Like the Rescuer, the Victim also suffers from poor self-esteem. While Rescuers feel that helping others maintain their superiority, Victims use their perceived helplessness and the accompanying guilt trips to gain and maintain control over others.

The Victim can be the child who grew up under disadvantaged circumstances, the mother who has sacrificed her career to raise her kids, the serial unemployed who doesn’t understand why he always ends up with an ‘impossible’ manager, or the family member or friend who earns less than the rest of the group and constantly needs to be ‘bailed out’ financially. It can be anyone who believes that the world owes him because of his background, bad luck or the sacrifices he has made.

Because she perceives herself as helpless, the Victim often suffers from financial paralysis. It is as if she just can’t bring herself to take the necessary action, be that to obtain the right qualifications, negotiate harder when it comes to salary discussions, or gain more and better-paying clients for herself. Instead, she waits for good fortune and a Rescuer to improve her financial circumstances.

Often the Victim’s friends and family recognise the pattern long before the Victim does. But if you are reflective enough to recognise your own behaviour for what it is, how do you break out of your Victim pattern? Start by working on your self-esteem. If you can’t afford therapy, at least become familiar with a few ego re-training programmes, like the one suggested in Jurriaan Plesman’s free online book, Getting off the hook (from page 36). Practise assertion every day. Develop your talents and find a way to express yourself creatively. Creating something from nothing does wonders for the self image.

Explore your beliefs that someone must first suffer before he is worthy of affection and happiness. Where does this come from?

Realise that, as an adult, you carry full responsibility for your own wellbeing. By sending others on a guilt trip, you are abdicating not only your responsibility, but also your autonomy over your own life.

Tags: Getting off the hook, Jurriaan Plesman, Money personality, Victim

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